You cannot control your Hs actions but you csn control how YOU react. Nothing you said or did can justify or excuse him running to OW. I feel like an annoyance. He may try to blame you. All of my actions have done nothing to move her away from the AP. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. You have done everything. Join us as we explore the real struggles of midlife health, and learn how to Its OK IF he doesnt know what he wants. There may be many OW not just the one he is no longer talking to. You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. My ultimate goal is obviously for us to be together and work through this, but i cant make him want that. And I know THIS isnt what I want for my life, whatever it is he is doing. Financial access to all accounts and documents. I still have flashbacks and remain on alert. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. I have been in your shoes. Im so sick of being sad! He said he feels bad putting blame on me and that he said a lot of things he regrets. You Hs r to stop thinking like that. He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. But when Im aware of being hurt every day, that is a really difficult pain to get over. I told him I had nothing left to give him. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. You will get worn down and be emotionally empty. But then again most Betrayed Spouses are destroyed and devastated by the infidelity. Thank you for this. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. It was so romantic. Not true, not valid and not acceptable. The coach tells my H, not many women would put up with H still working with OW (YeaIm a patsy ). Disengage from all of it. unlike the exNOTbestie whore who 4 years later had to act as if she had a right to ever contact any of our family when our son died 6 weeks ago . I wish he had any idea how this feels. Its just rude, and he knows that, but he twists it all up and justifies everything he does. Its hurtful what you are living with. He took advantage one time too many. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. K. I will contact Doug to give you my email address. Then he saw the OW again and I found out and made him leave. Walk on D-day and dont look back. Your issues are more than just the A. Like I said, he is still sleeping at home. Your advice is great and its so right. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. I found out (6 months pregnant) that he was having an affair. He was not looking for ego boosts from others. Which, if that were to be the case, I would completely cut ties with him. I continued the pattern of our life like everything was okay. You need to accept it that does not mean you agree or condone it but when you accept he is a liar & cheater and stop trying to change him and therein frustrating yourself, your life will be more peaceful and calmer. You need to get strong in your marriage by having self confidence and the willingness to change. ???? Now? Doug: Yes. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. I feel so vulnerable and im always assuming hes just walking all over me and I dont even know if he is. I think that is the only advice I can give. Nothing worked or changed him. Just know for now you need to get yourself away from his infidelity that will save your sanity. I dont even know why I started it. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. The minute he walks out and when he will be back becomes uncertain, thats when my insides feel like theyre falling and I want to just curl up in a ball. It is about respect. We continued on but his trust issues just went out of control and I resent him everytime he thinks im cheating and everytime he accuses me of cheating, it drives me to go cheat. At least you are not having yelling and screaming matches daily (not good for the baby or you). We were over- marriage, life etc. Clueless Alien Syndrome When Your Spouse Becomes a Person You No Longer Recognize, A few years back I found this definition of the affair fog somewhere online. If I feel this way, I am sure he feels this way x10. Hang in there. You are not discussing anything. Not any more. Tells us that he has no contact with her outside work. but i have also been there for her Im not that bad when i wright down all the good times and things we have done is good. But I LOVE HIM, And I love who he is, and I just dont know where that person is anymore. But actions dont lie. Unfortunately that is the truth. At the time it was happening, his growing disconnection from me and lack of empathy for years makes me believe he just intended to stonewall and ignore it as long as necessary, thinking Id let it go. Complete disrespect. How do people turn this situation around? He beefed for another chance. Now you are just trying to co-exist and live peacefully. Best possible given the home you are in. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. How convenient for him. Second was he was proving he was changing. Everything was okay. That was just over a year ago, and he never did come back. Yeah, whatever we do is seems very wrong. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. You cannot get them to change UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE! Until then, it is his issue and his problem. Bc this is absolutely awful. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. He will clean up the kitchen while I sit reading a book. I am a lot different now and thats mainly because of how his EA changed me. He wouldnt show me his phone but said hes absolutely not speaking to her and hasnt in almost a month. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. Protect yourself. My biggest fear is that what im doing is somehow wrong and will come back to bite me for being so nice and giving him so much freedom. I hope you find a good counselor to support you through this. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. QUESTION? You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. You come first. Continue trying to do your own thing. This situation is unfair to you. One thing that may help (though I doubt he will be willing) is some sort of divorce type counseling so that the air is cleared and your relationship with him can be such that the kids do not suffer any further emotional damage. I acted pretty blah to him today. Then he went on again to say he would be out of the house asap and asked how we will go about scheduling the baby. He was in constant contact with me, video calls etc. Right now is affecting my work; I cant concentrate, thinking about them. Once you feel in control over your life, with him or without him, the panic will start to subside. He said a TON of stuff, as did I. I want to be this busy person ive always been and do all these things, but im realizing that I did all those things before bc I felt so secure in my life having him as a husband. I can totally relate. They believe (wrongfully) they have something special. Boo Frickin Hoo! But it only worked b/c my H decided a few hours before that he was ending the A. We have both said we wont do anything permanent yet, but when he gets mad he always throws things in my face. Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out He pays half the college expenses AND not just tuition. Something. She said that I am attractive but she isnt attracted to me. One year ago today we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy and excited. He texted me and said he would be home in 15 mins. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. There was a 2nd and 3rd DDAY but that was 4 yrs ago this January. And then sometimes its like I do ONE thing and he becomes irritated and I can ALREADY see the wheels turning in his mind of like wanting to get out. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? Dishonest. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. Or prettier. People lie would start yelling at her if they ran out of an item like rye bread. I feel like it would have pulled him out of his affair fog real quick and made him do a reality check but now I struggle with guilt and anger at myself because it ended up going on for years and years and years afterward because I did not have the backbone to do that. She was so screwed up mentally. And you nailed it when you said the drug thing. Some people may end up leaving their spouse for the affair partner. 1. What a big mess. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. My H went back to the OW a second time as he was still in the fog. Who cares about that? The thrill of the affair envelopes the wayward partner in good feelings, and the excitement can be overwhelming. Now, I know it was for the last several years. of course not. Turns out that was all a ploy to get me off the scent. When were home together and hanging out, things are fine. I dont know how long he will continue sleeping at home or when he will say hes leaving, or hes found his own place, or what happens next. This sadness is TOO much. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. Obviously, we know begging and pleading didnt work. So then he could see clearly he does miss ME when he doesnt have me. I hope you can see this. HORRIBLE. Big difference! I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him. I picked up the phone and made arrangements for him to stay with a friend until he found another place. You have tried. We had just gone to a workshop for troubled marriages thru our church at the beginning of December and celebrated our 25th anniversary in October. I check his phone an hour later and manage to access his work email, where I find emails back and forth the weekend before with the OW from work. Whatever you decide. You are NOT doing anything wrong. Like I had a t shirt on one day, and it was a manly shirt, and he asked where I got it. You can kick him out, 180 him and have no contact as much as possible. You are not HIS support system and back up plan. And the minute he lies and you know it you calmly tell him that you expect him to be honest with you no matter what. Biggest mistake I made was letting him be in control of us and me. Get a lawyer ASAP and a financial plan B. Bestie, I agree with First Wife, but wanted to add that I think youre doing the right thing. I dont know how, but maybe thats the case. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. Or get him to see his mistakes. Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. Its a sad sad state. What makes my situation different is that my H came home and admitted the affair. Thats why I love this blog. See where it goes. When you are strong and solid things will fall into place. Sorry to say. He goes out till all hours and doesnt tell you. How screwed up is that? Its so much pain. We argued once for 2 hours over an insignificant item. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. He immediately quit his job but has continued to secretly speak to the other woman. By that I mean they still want to go out and hang out etc. He was so blinded he could not tell the difference between love and lust/infatuation. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. Sunday mornings there were long lines. Is this at all possible to do under the same roof without hating him? I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. Trust me I know what you are going through. When here in the house at least I can see hes out, hes drinking too much, and he may not be the man I want for my life anyways. I hate the feeling of waiting for the next bomb to drop. (so untrue but whats the point), I said Okay, well YOU DONT, bc youre NOT HERE. I sure hope he comes around. January 4, 2017 I saw a 5 second call to Hs coworker (whom I ALWAYS been uncomfortable and suspicious about, as she is a known who*e and homewrecker in his workplace. Ive just got to figure out what to do next. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. It was a combination of things. i know its allowing him to cake eat and have things very easy, but I just have to focus on only myself and the baby for now. And then he stopped or curtailed his bar nights. I begged, pleaded, threatened.you know, did everything I shouldnt have! Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). He told me I only married him to spite my parents. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. I would have done almost anything EXCEPT allow my H to openly date the OW, wait around while he made a decision in two months or allow him to blame me for the A. And he has never used drugs and I have known him 35 years. Im sorry for rambling! SERIOUSLY?! Long story short, I was willing to forgive him but he couldnt cut her off. Too chicken (or too confused to know what he wanted). Major London fog. I dont know. Theres loss of your family life. Weve seen on our blog where people take a couple of weeks, a month, or whatever, but it seems inevitably, the majority of them do come back for that reason. My CH had a more difficult time leaving her alone. I told him it is time for me to focus on what I want out of life for myself. Its so weird. I too went through the limbo stage but I was getting the I want a D discussion. I hope all is well!!! No begging or pleading. Im focused on myself and my kids and he continues to hate me and blame me for everything. Sometimes I feel very positive. It hurt my hand. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. Now in her 40s she had left it too late to have a baby and it had totally fucked her up. Im truly living in limbo, with a 5 month old baby, and the love of my life, who no longer looks at me like he used to. Hope this helps. At the same time I had a child involved in an emotionally abusive relationship (bf/gf). I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. Plain & simple! I have been begging her to stop contacting him and give me a chance to show her i can be the one she fell in love with. I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. They do weekend workshops a few states away. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. Some recent behaviors led me to believe she was continuing the EA. No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. You have done everything possible you have tried discussing it. Sometimes when he says things to me, theyre so horrible, I literally sit there silent and wonder WHAT AM I DOING? I wish I had not been so trusting. I think most, if not all BSs would love to have a do-over and the chance to handle things differently. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. A month later we went to the workshop. A cheater. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. You are tired of living in limbo. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. I dont know. For some reason he does not remember this conversation which baffles me. I only lasted 6 months and I needed to get out. since I had no proof back then that anything happened and he denied it I had to accept it. Thanks in advance! However he was the one that came to his senses. They chat and text each, each night. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. I tell him its not appropriate. And now I feel like hes just gone to work and is thinking gosh shes so miserable. Doug: Im sure that it was. And then the next morning he leaves for work and I immediately wonder what im in for for the day. Start disengaging that may make his head spin around. You can only change how you react to him. Nothing YOU do is going to destroy your M. Whether you argue or beg or plead or ignore or act nice or are too calm none of this will have any impact. He was kicking me to the curb but when I asked him to leave he realized I was out of patience. If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming. You dont need to explain yourself. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. Determined to make my life happy again. im giving him his freedom, im asking no questions. I dont know how he feels about this, but in my opinion this limbo sucks. Linda: In all honesty, I think most of the time, youre not sure if the person has left the affair yet, so youre acting a certain waybut you dont even know if its effective because they just become more secretive and theyre lying more. Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. Shes destroyed several marriages during her 30+ year career there) on his cell phone log. If you dont, thats what theyre going to do to you. You cannot make people wNt something. Here are my suggestions: When you become less available you may see a change. Thank you so much for your response. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. I learned I could not. Regardless, I will no longer be a doormat. He says he knows he was wrong and he wishes he had never even given in to affair, etc, but that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and wishes he had spoken up. Thank you so much. But its hard to be my nice carefree self when I feel like my life is on fire. How im SO insecure now when I never was before. If you would have said, This has got to end or Im leaving, or Im taking the kids with me, You have got to get out, or whatever, I think that would have expedited the fog disappearing a lot faster. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. It was totally not him and I was confused because I thought she had left town with another man. Exactly. So sorry for you. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! When we left after the argument he texted me that we need to end this. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. K. You are in a very tough position. It blows my MIND. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. The fog was bad. I say my one sentence and leave the room. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get over. Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. Hes trying to punish me because I made him leave, but in the long run hes also punishing them. which is exactly what he was doing when he was working out of town, hence how he met the bartender OW. It would not surprise me though. Because you do deserve better. The worst was when I called at some point and one of the secretaries told me that they had gone to lunch. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. By the end of 6 months I could have lived a year with my children if he didnt pay me a dime. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. He shouldnt be living here. My experience (and for so many beyrayed spouses) is the same as yours. Our life stayed secure. Thank you both for your comments of support. The ONLY time I saw any effort from him was when I kicked him out a few weeks ago and he became extremely scared. A team player. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. Because that is something I will have to handle differently. I cant wrap my head around it all still. But I think that even if it would have transpired and you would have left, or I would have left, or whatever, I think probably in two days time, I would have been crawling back with my tail between my legs because reality would have hit big time. Unfortunately, hed driven the damage to hell and back before I got the resolve to take it away. Much better. The first will not work unless he decides to do the necessary work. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. K. Seriously I am married to his twin lol. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. But no matter what you do his decisions are his own choices and he cannot blame you for any thing that happens as a result of his cheating. And then hes accusing me of turning his kids against him because they dont respond to him and why should they. I am moving on and focusing on my self. Over the last couple of days, with help from articles like this, I am realizing that I have been a doormat and have allowed my wife to be a cake eater. He just had to break the bad news to her. Sometimes, he wants to discuss stuff anf sometimes I can tell hes immediately annoyed. And I believe it is because he is lying still. It blew my mind. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. Mid life crisis? And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. Well, no you dont know how I feel. And there was nothing I could do. I am beginning to think theres OW in our city as well, why else would he be out all hours of the night. I do get kind of afraid he is convincing himself im speaking to another man and then he will just get deeper and deeper with OW, or other WOMEN, but I guess thats also something i shouldnt worry about. He leaves for work and I just immediately feel like okay, heres another day to get through. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible?
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